| JUST KIDDING! |
[03 Apr 2006|01:15am] |
Ok, SCRATCH that last entry -- JUST KIDDING (!!!)
I got way ahead of myself. He sent me pink roses telling me he hoped that I felt better soon. That is, probably, the sweetest thing a guy has ever done for me. I like him alot... but...
I dunno... I just know there's a 'but'....
I noticed I jump ahead of myself too fast and that's why I get shot down. I set myself up for my own downfall. So, I'm going to teach myself to take baby steps... let life do it's toll on me. If it's meant to be, it will be.
...everything happens for a reason, sometimes things fall apart just so other things can fall together...but in the end, whats meant to be will always find its way.
Saturday was a bad night. An emotional train wreck. All I know is by the time I went on break at work, I had to get out of the store and resort to my car. So, I'm sitting in my car with the windows down and the sunroof open and radio on playing Led Zepplin and my car is facing the horizon and the sun was starting to set... and it was me, that song on the radio, that sun, and that slight breeze blowing in on me... it was the most peaceful thing ever, and I can't even explain why. I just felt so calm. Then I had to go back to reality.
It's one in the morning and I'm bored as fuck.
SpRiNg BrEaK '06-- fuck yea, man! --- SIKE.
I think this will be my last public entry, I just don't trust anyone anymore.
He told me tonight that I make him laugh and that's what he likes most about me. I haven't had this much fun talking to someone in such a long time. He lets me be the silly, random Jess...that I haven't been in so long. I like that, I like it when I'm around people that I can be like that with. There's only two other people that have ever made me feel that way. And I've lost both of them. And one, was because I was an idiot.
Ok, I'm done. I'm gonna upload some pictures on my laptop and go to bed.
xoxo
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[21 Mar 2006|05:37pm] |
High school lost its fun many, many months ago.
I'm sick of this ridiculous routine.
I want to skip through the next two months and fast forward to graduation/summer/and college...
I can't freakin wait to break outta here.
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[09 Mar 2006|10:52pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
I'm going to North Carolina bright and early in the morning!!! It's going to be a long day, but hopefully turns out well. If you're lucky, I'll take pictures :)
Be back Friday night some time!
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| What hurts most?? |
[05 Mar 2006|01:41am] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
] |
I'd say I know you pretty well by now. I know for a fact when I leave in August you are going to find someone to take my place... someone to fill that void. But what you will not see is the fact that is what will hurt me the most.
Why wouldn't you be able to leave the one void open for once? It's not like I've left you completely, I just won't see you as much, that doesn't mean things have to be different and I need to be replaced.
This is what was on my mind all day today.
I have more to say about this...but I need to think more.
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| WOW! |
[27 Feb 2006|09:32pm] |
DUDE...I got a Dell...laptop :)
Early graduation present...hooray!
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| What do I want??? |
[27 Feb 2006|05:14am] |
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I want to be someone's number one and not their number two.
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| Dear you... |
[26 Feb 2006|12:59am] |
Dear best friend...
I'm feeling deprived of some much needed best friend time...
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| Your heart is an empty room... |
[24 Feb 2006|10:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
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grrrrrr |
] |
I can't really explain the feelings I've been having the past few weeks. They seem familar, and that really bothers me.
Why is it so difficult for me to express my feelings?
Whether they are sad or happy emotions...I find it so difficult to express them. I don't understand why I am this way. Expressing my emotions used to come so well to me, and I would just do it and not hold back. Now I hold it all back from everyone.
For example right now...I'm hurt and pissed. I can gurantee you the person I'm feeling mad at and hurt from will never know because I keep it in.
One feeling I get that really hurts/pisses me off. Is when people make me feel like I'm on the sidelines. So if they need someone they pull me in and then they find someone to replace me with so I'm put back on the sidelines. This feeling is getting old. One day...someone's going to push me aside thinking I'll be there the next time they need me and I won't be and maybe then they will wake up and realize what happened.
There really isn't a 'certain' person..it's actually a lot of people, I just now started noticing it though.
Sometimes I just want to go away and cut myself off from people so they have no way of getting a hold of me...and then make them wonder "where did jess go?"...
and then maybe someone will say...
Jess got the hell out of here because she's fed up with people's bullshit.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I just need to make sense of everything going on in my head. Or just start writing people off...
lakghjewogjjgow;ghja;og;wj;
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| How small is the world??? |
[23 Feb 2006|10:43pm] |
I just found my MANAGERS myspace...
holy crap. everyone is going myspace crazy these days.
tsk.tsk.
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| Goodbyes.. |
[18 Feb 2006|11:31pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
] |
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music |
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deathcab for cutie |
] |
On the way home today from work I was thinking about what it's going to be like to say bye to everyone when I leave here...it'll be the hardest thing in this world to do. Today on break, I was just sitting there thinking... am I really making the right decision? This is my life, these are my choices...it's just a matter if I really am making the right choice. My mind is telling me one thing, and my heart is telling me another. I tell UNCC in the beginning of March that they are my final decision and that I really will be attending. I'm scared to death and at the same time I'm excited as fuck. I think, for the first time, I'm just scared of the unknown. It's just hard for my mind to comprehend the fact that only in a few months will my whole entire little world be taking a HUGE, FAST spin and everything will be completely changed.
People keep asking me if I'll come back to GA to live and I honestly don't know. I don't know what it's like in North Carolina yet, I don't know what it will be like. Give me a year and ask me again. I know for fact I will be able to give you a definate yes or no.
I hate nights like these... I have way too many things on my mind and if I could I'd just curl up in my bed and go to sleep. But I have so much to do before that can happen.
I forgot to mention that I got a thing in the mail today from UNCC telling about an ADVANTAGE program they have set up in the summer. It starts July 10 to July 28. You can take two classes that are worth 6 credits towards my degree, that I will not have to take in the fall. It gives you a chance to get ahead, and get used to the campus and "college life".
I told my Dad about it...all he said was "dont rush me"...He doesn't want to say bye to me, but he has gotta let me go. I haven't decided if I'll do this program yet or not. I'd have to stay with some friends, if I did, and I'd need to get a job somewhere. Maybe I could get a head start on everything if I do this in the summer, so then I won't have to stress in the fall with looking for a job and I'll have a taste of what college is like before it even begins.
I would come back to visit for Erica's birthday though. And I'd come back a few days in August to offically pack all of my things. This is something I'm seriously debating on doing.
Keep you guys posted on what I decide...I have an essay I need to write...UGH.
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| I'm a big girl now... |
[06 Feb 2006|03:40pm] |
I got my tattoo!!! I like it...ALOT. I can't stop showing it off...hehe.
This random guy from myspace just IMed me asking me if I was a freak in bed...
are you kidding me? Get a life dude...
I had the most amazing weekend!
I am very excited...I'm making Erica and Settareh something special for graduation...it's cute. I love those two girls sooooo much!
I'm obsessed with my new Deathcab CD Settareh burned for me. :)
Time to get ready for work...FUN!!
(SIIIIIIIIIKE)
"Someday you will be loved
Each broken heart eventually mends."
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| Pizza, Pizza |
[20 Jan 2006|10:40pm] |
I got my cartilage pierced Wednesday night and Erica was there to witness it. I like it a lot, everytime I get in front of a mirror I keep admiring it. hehe! Next step... tattoo! WOO-WOO! Tehehehe....:)
When I was on break at work tonight I was looking at my planner and realized...I have so much to do in only about 7 months. I can't do that, otherwise I'll stress myself out big time. One thing at a time...that's what I need to tell myself.
Mary and I are making a "slang dictionary" for a project in Brit. Lit. and it is cute as fuck! I looooooooove it! I have to put finishing touches on it this weekend tho.
I wanna see Tristan and Isolde, hopefully next weekend I get to!
I have Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off...nice.
I'm off to watch a little t.v and go to bed.
xoxoxo
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| PICTURE POST!!! |
[16 Jan 2006|11:20am] |
Okay, so I majorly been slacking on posting pictures, but I FINALLY have time and am FINALLY posting pictures. These are all from my birthday. Expect more because I got a new digital camera for Christmas so I'm using it ALL the time! :)
Enjoy!
( 18th Birthday! )
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[14 Jan 2006|09:50am] |
Someone give me some "slang words" that everyone uses...
It can not have any reference to drugs, sex, alcohol. It's for a project I'm doing in Brit Lit and I only have one word... and we have to come up with 10.
Hit me up if you have any ideas.
xoxo
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[04 Jan 2006|08:17pm] |
I'm going to be turning the big 18 tomorrow and I can't believe it.
Is this really happening???
Man...life just goes by way too fast.
My goal for the next two months...save up for my tatoo :)
WOOWOO~~!!!
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[31 Dec 2005|11:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cranky |
] |
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music |
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SHUT UP. |
] |
I'm just... pissed.
I'm an EXTREMELY pissed off girl right now.
Fuck New Years.
&
Fuck Valentines Day.
All motivation I used to have is down the shit hole.
Fuck high school. It's a fucking joke in its self.
2005 was a fucking waste.
2006...is looking like it will be way better. Maybe not to start off...but once spring break gets here...
There is this one boy that I have known FOREVER... there's just something about him. He's so mysterious, I never know what is going on in his head or what he is thinking about. I think that's what I like so much about him...then again it drives me CRAZY too. I'm so used to a guy just stating how he feels and this one likes to play little mind games and guessing games and I play them right back.
There's always just been SOMETHING about him...even when I was like 9...I felt it. I just can't figure out what.
Hopefully in a couple of months I'll find out.
Timing really is key and things do happen for a reason.
Our timing has always been off. And we circle back around to each other every time.
I have so many questions..
Coldplay depresses me.
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[29 Dec 2005|02:57pm] |
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mood |
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curious |
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music |
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dun dun dun... |
] |
I hate when people lie to me...and when I confront them, they cover up that lie with another lie.
Just be up front with me and tell me to my face, I'm a big girl, I can take it.
Sometimes I wonder if I am just numb to all feelings or a part of me has just went into hiding and just waiting and waiting for SOMEONE to pull me back out. It's time I took that chance and open up...fully to certain people.
Alot has been going through my mind the past few months, I'm just ready for August to get here. I'm ready to see what the future holds. I'm just so bored here. Then there is a part of me that looks around and knows for a fact I'm going to miss it here. I'm going to miss the comfort I feel. It hasn't seem to hit me that in only a few months my whole little "world" is going to take a huge turn.
I keep going and going and going...my battery is going to go dead soon.
I need a day of just REST...but that won't be happening for a long time.
The internet bores me now...blah...
yet I still try to update this thing every once in a while.
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[16 Dec 2005|12:27pm] |
Four A's and two B's...all while working about 30 hours a Publix a week this entire semester. Talking about me busting some butt this semester. I'm verryyyyyyy excited and proud of myself. There were times a couple of months back, that I thought I couldn't do it all, but I proved myself wrong.
I'll try to write in this thing more and post more pictures.
Time,time,time...is the factor all the time now.
I can't wait for Christmas and then the 5th of Jan is my 18TH BIRTHDAY!!!!
woo woo~~
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[03 Dec 2005|11:49pm] |
There are nights like tonight when my phone is beside me and I'm waiting for it to ring, all while I'm wondering to myself... why do I do this to myself?
Ridiculous.
Maybe one day I'll learn.
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